You Will Enter The Shrine of the Silver Monkey

Back in the early 90’s when all I would watch was Nickelodeon there was a show called Legends of the Hidden Temple and if you can remember there was a talking rock named Olmec. Now when I was 11 I would have sawed my mother in half to be on the show. I thought nothing was cooler than racing into the Temple and seizing the lost artifact and saving the day, but alas I never did get that opportunity.

About 12 years later my brother and I, after partaking in a little herbal tea ritual, sat around the TV squinty eyed polishing off mozzarella sticks when we came upon this channel that funneled me back to an age of innocence, Nickelodeon GaS. Incredible, right before my very eyes was this show, Legend of the Hidden Temple. Of course I now would not make it through any of the physical challenges what with the height requirement and all but still exciting non-the-less.

Now to anyone who remembers this show all I have to say is, Shrine of the Silver Monkey and you know exactly what I mean. Yeah… Now those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, let me break it down. Once you beat off a few teams declare yourself the most awesome duo, yada yada, you get to actually go into the Temple and find the artifact and it was like somehow this game was rigged that it would force you to at some point in your quest enter the shrine of the silver monkey which was the hardest fucking room in the whole game… honestly, these kids prior to entering this shrine would pass over a pool in a tire swing, balance themselves on a sea saw juggling jackhammers, throw boulders at on coming trains, all kinds of crazy physical shit, then they get to this shrine and all they have to do is grab three pieces, three… one, two, three, bring them to this perch and build the monkey. But for the love of god most of these kids could not do it. I mean I’ve seen people lose just because of that room just because they can’t assemble a fucking silver monkey in a shrine.

So anyway we’re watching this show and these kids who like 10 minutes before were dodging bullets and donkey punching prostitutes get into the temple and they are on a freaking roll, all they have to do is get to this one room grab the lost necklace from the Naked Aztec God of Mt. STD and bring it back and what happens…

Yep…

This bitch walks into the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Now there is still :58 left on the clock so this chick can easily assemble this monkey, grab the necklace and win her way to NASA Space Camp or a pair of Huffy bikes or some shitty BK Knight sneakers but noooooooooo… she grabs the bottom piece and puts it on the ledge then goes to put on the second piece and it’s upside down…

UPSIDE DOWN

And she’s jamming it and hitting it and my brother and I start screaming “TURN IT OVER… FOR THE LOVE OF ALL SILVER MONKEY’S TURN THE SHIT OVER” and we’re getting so aggravated that if I could have crawled into the TV and beat her with that silver monkey head I would have… and the clock is ticking and she’s still slamming this piece which is obviously not fitting properly into the base and her partner starts screaming and I am sweating. Sweating… A game show that took place 11 years ago is making me sweat…

The clock ticks down and she loses… she loses in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. She never collects the necklace and Mt. STD remained active forever and now 1 in 4 of us is infected with the herp.

I hope she is really proud of herself

Remember When They Wanted You To Pay Your Bills

I just paid the second set of my bills this month.... Jesus... if paying bills wasn't bad enough, ya know what kills me? How when you go to pay a bill online now you first have to answer security questions... Bitch, I don't want to pay MY bills why would ANYONE ELSE want to pay them... you can't even get account info online, so WHAT are we wasting my time for... what are they going to do? Over pay my credit card bills, Oh, the Humanity... and to those who sit around and try to figure out my first pets name and my mom’s middle name, my favorite teacher and sexual position, you are lame, get a real job. The Gap is hiring... And while we are at it I've decided that I no longer want my degree. I have it, intact, and I want to give it back. Please absolve my debt and take this piece of paper. It clearly has done nothing but put me further into debt. People don't even know the school I went t,o I could totally just make it up. “Yes, I went to Harvard. The Harvard in Connecticut, it's a satellite campus. Just as good, just not in Boston.”